Assertive Communication: Why It Matters and 3 Ways to Teach It to Your Preteens
We all communicate—every day and about everything. But it’s the way you communicate that makes a real difference in building relationships, being understood, receiving answers, and achieving goals.
Assertive communication is a way to speak and engage with others clearly and kindly. It’s important for the development of social and emotional competence, which means helping preteens (and all people!) gain the “soft” skills they need for life. Learning to communicate assertively—instead of passively, aggressively, or passive-aggressively—can actively promote problem-solving, foster positive relationships, and build confidence.
Here we’ll explore what assertive communication is, why it matters, and how you can empower the preteens in your life with it.
The What & Why of Assertive Communication
Simply, assertive communication is being kind and clear in your interactions. Another definition describes it as “stating your feelings and needs clearly and directly while being respectful of others.” You’re able to say what you need and want while maintaining respect, empathy, and kindness towards someone else.
Assertive communication is contrasted with aggressive communication—which may be clear, but isn’t kind—and passive communication—which may be kind, but isn’t always clear—and passive-aggressive communication—rarely kind or clear.
Assertive communication looks and sounds like:
Eye contact that shows you are paying attention and engaged in the conversation.
Confident body language and tone of voice when speaking.
Open language that conveys your opinions without feeling the need to shout (or, the opposite, not say anything at all).
Respect for someone else’s opinions and ideas, even if you disagree.
“I statements” to share how you’re feeling instead of casting blame on someone else.
Value for yourself and others, so you can work together to find a solution.
Clear and direct communication that accurately conveys what you want to say.
Learning assertive communication is important at any age, but preteens are in a unique position to benefit from this skill. It enhances social-emotional learning by helping them with:
Being understood and knowing others hear their thoughts and ideas.
Solving problems with friends, family, and teachers by communicating clearly.
Building confidence in who they are and what they’re capable of.
When preteens know how to communicate assertively, they can better navigate the challenges and opportunities of life.
3 Key Areas to Teach Assertive Communication to Preteens
Preteens are in a confusing stage of life and, often, find it difficult to express their needs, ideas, and emotions. This may result in conflict or issues with friends, a general lack of confidence, or frustrating miscommunications. And it’s why teaching your preteens assertive communication is so important.
So whether you are a parent to a preteen or a teacher or educator who works with them, there are three areas to prioritize when teaching assertive communication to preteens:
1. In the classroom
Teachers, educators, administrators, and anyone else in the school system should adopt assertive communication as part of their social-emotional learning (SEL) curriculum.
Instead of assuming preteens will learn these skills on their own, let’s be intentional about it by:
Teaching assertive communication during class time. You can easily incorporate engaging lesson plans like our Assertive Communication for Preteens into your existing SEL curriculum or use it as a standalone lesson.
Modeling assertive communication in the classroom when you speak with your students. Students learn by what they see and absorb, so it’s important to be practicing these things ourselves. You may consider your own professional development training in the area, too.
Educators can also bring in outside support, too. Arise’s school-based empowerment self-defense programs are designed to promote assertive communication in an engaging, meaningful, and age-appropriate way.
2. In the home
Parents can also model assertive communication in the home and reinforce what’s being learned in school. Practically, you may help your preteen develop assertive communication skills by:
Helping them practice what they want to say to a friend or teacher (verbally or by text).
Encouraging them to speak up and share their opinion, allowing them to make choices for themselves whenever appropriate, and respecting or believing them when they come to you with challenging questions.
Enrolling them in activities that foster practices like assertive communication, consent, and bodily autonomy such as empowerment self-defense and martial arts classes.
3. In the world
As much as we want to keep our preteens safe under watchful eyes at school and home, the reality is they’re growing up and starting to explore the world around them. As they mature and spend more time independently, assertive communication skills will empower them to stay safe and make good choices.
Programs like our Be Your Own Hero class or after-school self-defense workshops empowers preteens to trust their intuition and discover their voice—all while having fun with practical self-defense techniques and games. It’s a way to equip them with the assertive communication skills they need to thrive in this world.
Assertive communication is a skill young people can learn that sets them up for life. Let’s work together to give them that chance.
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Interested in supporting the preteens in your classroom but don’t know where to start? Check out our comprehensive and engaging lesson Assertive Communication Lesson Plan. Perfect for classroom settings, educators and teachers can use this as a tool for any social-emotional learning curriculum.
The lesson plan includes an interactive introduction, an engaging activity with cut-out cards, group discussion instructions, and a debrief session—all in one easy-to-use package. Grab your copy here and start empowering your preteens with assertive communication today.
And if you’re a parent living locally in Vancouver, BC and looking to enroll your preteen in an after-school empowerment self-defense program in Vancouver that puts assertive communication into action—check out Arise’s options for girls and preteens here. We offer after-school classes for girls ages 9-13 in Vancouver—sign up your daughter today!
